There is hope for the modern world, discovered in the most unlikely of devices.
In the past, my cellphone has masqueraded as a demon device suddenly calling strangers or refusing to ring when God is calling.
Despite what certain young women in the office say (never believe them), I know how to work my phone; it is the cellphone that turned on me when I yell clean obscenities at it. Unless I used just the right tone and poked it in the proper place, it suddenly went dark and refused to speak or turn on the light.
However, in my hour of need I discovered hope.
At about midnight a couple of months ago I was driving to Anacortes to catch a ferry to San Juan Island for work.
I got lost somewhere on the outskirts of Enumclaw. It was dark.
I decided I would try one of those things (I know – it’s a stupid app) that mysteriously show up for no reason when I am trying to answer the ringing that is not in my head.
The thing is called “There” or “Go there” or “You’re lost forever” – something like that.
Anyway, I pulled over in the dark, began whacking my phone and suddenly a light asked me where I was going and where I came from, like some Philosophy 101 class I flunked.
Miraculously the magic light in my phone figured out where I was going and a woman in white began talking to me.
I couldn’t believe it. I found a girlfriend in my shirt pocket.
Once we got rolling, every time I was going a mile or two over the speed limit, my new girlfriend started yelling at me.
After a couple of yellings, I started speeding just to hear her soothing critique, to see if she still liked me.
Then I took a wrong turn. That was nearly nirvana.
“Recalculating because you are a dummy,” she yelled.
I loved it. I started taking wrong turns and speeding to see what my new cellphone jinni would do next.
Now I really like my cellphone and I never leave it alone.
I have my jinni tell me how to get to the grocery store a few blocks away, just to make sure I take the right route. One can’t be to careful.
I wonder if my jinni will grant me wishes.