Christmas is time of joy and many zippy yippees, except for boy-men who have to buy gifts for their wives or girlfriends.
The solution for this Christmas conundrum has arrived – from me.
I have decided to give the hapless males of the world my time-honored wisdom on buying the perfect package to express those queasy things inside that men never say out loud because all the words start with “F” and that is not allowed (except for exceptions).
I have not come upon all this wisdom on my own. Kevin Hanson is one of the high priests of this secret knowledge, and in many ways a mentor.
Let me begin with a few “Do Not” pointers.
• Do not buy anything incredibly cool like cordless drills with every attachment known to humanity and speeds from slow to faster than “Space Balls” fast.
The excuse, “Honeybunch, I will hang the new medicine cabinet that has been sitting in the bathroom for seven years.”
• Do not buy a pneumatic nail gun and compressor set with three guns and extra hose. The excuse, “Sweetiepie, this will also work as a home protection device. If an evildoer comes near the house I will shoot framing nails at him. And think of all the great storage boxes I can build for all your useless junk.”
The above “Do Not” tips are examples of near-death Christmas morning experiences. A good rule of thumb is, if it seems like a great gift and really fun – run away.
Because I have earned the self-appointed title, “Most Sensitive Male-like Creature,” I will pass my danger-dodging advice to the bucko dummies of the world. What follows is the formula for Christmas harmony and balance.
• A real treasure your special girly will love is an eight-track cassette player. These are top Christmas gifts and are sure to show your true inside things we don’t say out loud because the word starts with “F”.
• To go along with your tape player, package up a set of eight-track cassettes of “The Greatest Hits from Cowboy Cody and his Sagebrush Singers.” Very sentimental and every song will show her your true inside things. A few of Cowboy Cody’s big hits were, “Ridin’ and Ropin’ and Mama Cooking Squirrel” and the unforgettable, “My Sweetie Fixed a Hole in the Roof to Stop the Rain from Comin’ in” – you will remember that one for their sort of White Album.
• Thoughtfully selected cookbooks can put you on the road to yippee-yahoo. Try a gold-bound haute´cuisine cookbook based on Granny’s gummy goodies from the Beverly Hillbillies. You will find pictorial features like possum pizza with caramelized onions, fresh mozzarella with a hint of garden basil. Another yummy in the tummy is buttermilk and rodent fricassee – tastes like chicken only better.
• My last tip is a special secret in case all else fails. I have put together a magic elixir that will smear away her wrinkles and make her hair flat.
Get a carton of buttermilk and wait about two months past the date on the top. Maybe leave it in a hot car until it feels heavy and chunky. Pour the whole thing into a bowl and have the love of your life stick her head into it. It will fix her hair and face all in one swoop.
My sincere hope is these time-honored tips will keep all the boys out of the bad house for boneheads.
Have a merry Christmas and a happy New Year.