By Dennis Box
I have stumbled upon the perfect solution for a problem that has plagued fathers since God mistakenly created daughters. The problem is boyfriends.
I’m not sure why God decided know-it-all daughters were such a dandy idea in the first place, but I didn’t get to vote on this one.
For the record, this entire boyfriend arrangement was not well-planned by God. He must have been tired that day. I think there should have been a public hearing for dads only.
I have, however, devised the magic solution – arranged boyfriends. Not only will it solve the stupid boyfriend thing, I am convinced it will bring peace on earth. Such a deal.
Let me describe how this brilliant idea came to me.
Katy, my 23-year-old daughter who believes I have become dumber every day since she was born, called me a while back. During the conversation Katy happened to say she was “hanging out” with someone.
That’s how girls say it now. Hanging out.
Well, I’m a quick one, despite what little-miss-run-my-life thinks.
“What’s his name?” I said quick as can be.
“I’m not telling you,” was her reply.
“Because you’re nuts. You’ll try to investigate him or something stupid like that.”
“I would never do anything like that,” I said in a high-pitched whiney voice. “But do you think you could write down his Social Security number or driver’s license number? Just for my record-keeping.”
“Not a chance,” she said.
OK, I will admit there may be a little, tiny bit of history for her comments, but that was a long time ago and I have reformed.
I have become a new dad and I now want to solve the boyfriend problem instead of crush it. Let’s remember this conundrum was not created by me, it was God’s fault; but I am willing to fix it.
Arranged boyfriends makes everything so slick. It is a simple and an easy-pleasy solution. It’s even Constitutional. All we have to do is skip certain sections in the middle that don’t really count anyway.
I rolled things around in my vacant head for a couple of days before I presented the exquisite harmony of my plan to Katy.
“I found you the perfect boyfriend that I know I will like. We’ll get along dandy. Maybe go fishing or bowling or play Yahtzee and do all sorts of zippy activities.”
She wouldn’t even consider it, not for a second. I couldn’t believe it.
The world I set up had such symmetry and balance – like living in a Nirvana with all the Twinkies and Ho Hos I could ever desire.
But no, let’s not listen to dad the dumb guy.
I patiently told her I could set this up with one phone call and a couple of boxes of chocolate-dipped Twinkies. I told her I had only my best interests at heart and I was thinking about her, too.
She threatened to have me sent to a home for crazy dads. There must be a long waiting list.
So much for peace on earth.
I hope you’re happy, God.