OUR CORNER: Dads can arrange daughters’ dates

I have stumbled upon the perfect solution for a problem that has plagued fathers since God mistakenly created daughters. The problem is boyfriends.

By Dennis Box

I have stumbled upon the perfect solution for a problem that has plagued fathers since God mistakenly created daughters. The problem is boyfriends.

I’m not sure why God decided know-it-all daughters were such a dandy idea in the first place, but I didn’t get to vote on this one.

For the record, this entire boyfriend arrangement was not well-planned by God. He must have been tired that day. I think there should have been a public hearing for dads only.

I have, however, devised the magic solution – arranged boyfriends. Not only will it solve the stupid boyfriend thing, I am convinced it will bring peace on earth. Such a deal.

Let me describe how this brilliant idea came to me.

Katy, my 23-year-old daughter who believes I have become dumber every day since she was born, called me a while back. During the conversation Katy happened to say she was “hanging out” with someone.

That’s how girls say it now. Hanging out.

Well, I’m a quick one, despite what little-miss-run-my-life thinks.

“What’s his name?” I said quick as can be.

“I’m not telling you,” was her reply.

“Why?”

“Because you’re nuts. You’ll try to investigate him or something stupid like that.”

“I would never do anything like that,” I said in a high-pitched whiney voice. “But do you think you could write down his Social Security number or driver’s license number? Just for my record-keeping.”

“Not a chance,” she said.

OK, I will admit there may be a little, tiny bit of history for her comments, but that was a long time ago and I have reformed.

I have become a new dad and I now want to solve the boyfriend problem instead of crush it. Let’s remember this conundrum was not created by me, it was God’s fault; but I am willing to fix it.

Arranged boyfriends makes everything so slick. It is a simple and an easy-pleasy solution. It’s even Constitutional. All we have to do is skip certain sections in the middle that don’t really count anyway.

I rolled things around in my vacant head for a couple of days before I presented the exquisite harmony of my plan to Katy.

“I found you the perfect boyfriend that I know I will like. We’ll get along dandy. Maybe go fishing or bowling or play Yahtzee and do all sorts of zippy activities.”

She wouldn’t even consider it, not for a second. I couldn’t believe it.

The world I set up had such symmetry and balance – like living in a Nirvana with all the Twinkies and Ho Hos I could ever desire.

But no, let’s not listen to dad the dumb guy.

I patiently told her I could set this up with one phone call and a couple of boxes of chocolate-dipped Twinkies. I told her I had only my best interests at heart and I was thinking about her, too.

She threatened to have me sent to a home for crazy dads. There must be a long waiting list.

So much for peace on earth.

I hope you’re happy, God.

More in Opinion

The times, they are a-changin’

My friends, Artificial Intelligence (AI) is advancing in such leaps and bounds it boggles my imagination.

Thank you Murray for increasing Alzheimer’s research funding

As someone who helped care for a mother with Alzheimer’s and who now misses her every day, I understand firsthand the impact this disease has on families across America.

Tribalism led to the loss of Vietnam, Iraq wars

Knowing and understanding tribalism can offer a solution to the divisions at home and abroad.

The Fennel Creek Trail will benefit nearby communities

Contrary to the beliefs of some, the increased number of people using trails discourages criminal activities by increasing the number of eyes watching what is going on.

The sweetest revenge? Sometimes it’s just being nice

Being kind to others, especially those who have harmed or hurt us, comes as a result of seeing others as our equals.

Mental health competency delays cost state millions

Soon, some of those languishing lengthy periods behind bars might need to be released and charges against them dismissed.

State Dems may abandon caucus chaos in 2020

Last week the state Democratic Party signaled a greater ope nness to allocate delegates ba sed on the results of the prim ary rather than caucuses, whic h it’s never done before.

The four cornerstones of arguing irrationally

Don’t get caught up in the techniques people use to ignore rational arguments.

State Dems may abandon caucus chaos in time for 2020

Washington also is considering becoming more significant by moving its primary to early March.

A taste of Krain history, from its dive-bar days

I first went in the place one winter’s evening when I was 8 or 9 years old.

Supreme Court resets the playing field

The ruling on the Masterpiece Bakery v. Colorado Civil Rights Commission case wasn’t a win for the right or a loss for the left; it’s a chance to do things right the second time around.

Supreme Court ruling shows sanity, moderation

The 14th Amendment equal protection clause does not negate the First Amendment religious freedom clause.