Oh, Lindsay Lohan. After watching your recent mock-personal e-harmony advertisement, I have just two words for you: Call me!
For anyone who doesn’t go grocery shopping, or for those who do but avert their eyes from the gossip magazines at the checkout stand, Lindsay Lohan, one half of the on-again off-again celebrity couple Limantha Rohon (DJ Samantha Ronson was the other half) is back on the market.
Displaying her sense of humor, Lohan posted an advertisement online seeking a new partner. I of course, refuse to take this as merely a joke and I take it upon myself to respond not with a mere chuckle, but rather sincere romanticism.
Lindsay, there’s just something about the way you hide your beautiful eyes from the world behind those huge sunglasses while flashing that flawless smile that warms my heart. I want to know more about the person behind the shades.
E!’s Chelsea Handler may refer to you as a “hot mess” but my intuition tells me our relationship would be anything but messy.
In your personal ad, you say, “I would define my personality as creative, a little bit of a night owl.”
I foresee us enjoying many late-night movie marathons together or just catching up on Showtime and HBO shows.
You said if anyone wants to date a redhead with some sass, “… and by that I mean, a redhead that’s crazy. I mean, don’t pretend that you don’t know me.”
Well, Lindsay, I know of you because I voraciously read anything written about you, but you and I both know much of those stories hinge on flimsy information from “sources” or “insiders” and what do they know anyway?
I believe there’s another side of you, a girl who loves to cuddle during “The Notebook,” a girl whose idea of a perfect Saturday involves waking up around 11 a.m., watching “The Soup,” heading to Starbucks to enjoy an iced mocha and The New York Times, seeing a movie, following it up with a classic cheeseburger from The Cheesecake Factory, and capping off the evening with a game of Trivial Pursuit.
Unless I’m completely wrong about you, we could have many great days enjoying life’s simple pleasures together.
In your personal ad you said, “I’m looking for a compatible mate who likes a night out on the town, as long as he or she is driving.”
I have the perfect place for us to spend time, Lindsay. Since we’re both night owls, may I suggest the nonstop playground of Las Vegas?
I remember my last visit there in 2007, during which I went to Caesars Palace to do some shopping at The Forum and noticed a large sign inside the hotel advertising your 21st birthday celebration, to be held inside Pure, a nightclub in the hotel later visited by Kim Kardashian, when she performed with The Pussycat Dolls.
Ever since I first went to Las Vegas in 2003 I’ve said it’s the most exciting place in the world, and anyplace advertising my future girlfriend’s birthday is aces (pun intended) in my book.
It’s fewer than two months until your 23rd birthday on July 2 and it would be the perfect time for us to start dating, because nobody wants to spend their birthday single in the wake of a recent breakup. I’ve been there and it’s not something I want you to have to go through.
Oh, Lindsay, can’t you just picture us lounging together poolside drinking some virgin margaritas before heading out for a night on the strip?
The paparazzi would of course follow us, but wouldn’t the pictures they take be of such a striking couple, since we both have natural red hair?
Wouldn’t it be great to hit the clubs and show your DJ ex you can have a great time without her?
My one regret is my name does not provide us with a snappy celebrity couple mashup like Brangelina, but I know once you get to know me that imperfection will cease to be recognizable and there will only be our e-harmonious relationship. Sure, we might have our little redheaded temper tiffs about whether to spend the summer in Maui or Cannes, but really, does any couple not fight about those things?
Lindsay, I know when you posted this video you weren’t expecting such an effusive response, but if you just give me a chance I will prove to you that I am to your personal life what “Mean Girls” was to your professional one.