The world is attractive, and as much as we try to instill our culture, faith, and ideas in our children, the world introduces various values as well — and which may as well be more alluring than your own.
I studied adolescent psychology as a minor in college. And, I never thought twice about the theories of “emerging adulthood”, also known pejoratively as “extended adolescence” (aged 18 to 39). “Emerging adulthood is a time of life when many different directions remain possible, when little about the future has been decided for certain, when the scope of independent exploration of life’s possibilities is greater for most people than it will be at any other period of the life course” (Arnett, J. J. (2000), “Emerging adulthood: A theory of development from the late teens through the twenties,” American Psychologist).
As a mother of four wonderful human beings, I have reviled the thoughts of my children one day independently living in today’s world. These days, things are not as they once were. “Growing up” has become a microscopic challenge. Growing up has become a social construct.
If you have adult children, this may resonate with you. If you don’t (yet) have adult children, perhaps read to prepare for the uprising of extended adolescents. If you are an adult child, proceed with an open mind.
Let me begin with a thought. When I was my eldest son’s age (22), I had been married for three years, and had two bouncing baby boys. I knew when I was 16, that I wanted to be married by the age of 18. Why 18? That’s when I was told that I could get married. Heck, if I could have gotten married younger, I would have, I think.
Once married I knew I wanted to have at least four children. And, I wanted to have the “cool” parents’ house. You know the one I’m talking about; the one where the parents let their children do whatever, whenever. Yes, sir. I wanted to be that parent. Because as a young 16-year-old, I felt suffocated — I was the youngest and the only girl. Boys couldn’t date me. I could barely breathe without someone asking if I was OK. Every second of my life was watched with precision. And, in a small town, every move I made was reported back to the family.
In present day as an adult and a parent, I ask myself, was it really that bad? Perhaps not. Even so, the experience propelled me to become an adult, as quick as possible.
Fast forward 20-plus years. Based on my experience in life, I wanted to ensure that our children were set up for this journey called life. In my mind this was defined as: knowing where they came from; being true to who they are; and owning and actionizing their faith, regardless of the definitions the world places on them.
Sounds simple, right? Well, not so much. Life has this way of interrupting well laid-out plans. And, no matter what we have done or are doing to direct our children, they will have to direct themselves on numerous occasions. They make decisions every day without me. And I have to trust that I have instilled in them the right mix of counsel. Is that a bad thing? Of course not. It is what most of us do. Wait and see.
Even so, little did I know that this want/need of mine to be an adult as fast as possible would lead me down a path of encouraging my own children to stop growing up so fast. I want them to experience life, travel, get an education, and at all costs, not to get married and have children as young as I did. I love them, I live for them, I want the best for them. As any parent does.
When I was growing up, I knew the direction I was headed. I had even described my spouse in my “adolescent” journal down to his brown skin. And, the day I met him, I knew. Where did that certainty come from? I am convinced that it was a mix of my culture and faith that bloomed confidence in my decisions, even as an adolescent.
But what I am now realizing is that in asking my children to “not grow up” so fast, I have also propelled them into this exploratory phase of adulthood — where the certainty I felt doesn’t exist, and is replaced with the need for experimentation when it comes to their cultures, faith, and ideas.
“A key feature of emerging adulthood is that it is the period of life that offers the most opportunity for identity explorations in the areas of love, work, and worldviews” (Arnett, J.J.).
The question I consistently battle with is, did I instill in them enough of our heritage and faith to keep their foundation firm? Truth be told, I don’t believe that it is ever enough. Nor is it up to me. I left that phase of their life in God’s hands long before they were even conceived.
As I close this out, in my honest opinion, emerging adulthood is another societal construct that attempts to categorize people into a box with no openings. An attempt to deflect the responsibility of embracing each person as unique. Emerging adulthood is a subjective perception, and we must learn that each individual is as important as everyone else.
I ask this: who are we to categorize or judge? Stop the attempt to place blame and shame in order to deflect your own responsibility of accepting and rejecting people based on your own subjective perception.
Look in the mirror. The attempt to make the log in my eye (or my childrens’) look bigger than yours is repulsive. Emerging adulthood is not universal. Stop putting my kids into a box. Stop trying to define them. Stop judging. Let them live, navigate, and explore. And love them through it. For all of those that call themselves Christians, isn’t that would Jesus would do? Love them, regardless.
