I saw a report on the Web last week about some guy who did a study correlating recessions to lingerie, whatever that is. I think the study should have correlated haircuts to the economy.

I want to do a study looking into the correlation of funny-colored hair in a recession. Does a recession mean more pink hair and, during good times, green?

I see girls with all sorts of colored hair, colors I didn’t even know existed. Even boys have colored hair. Maybe that’s where I went wrong when I was 16. If I colored my hair green I would have gotten a date.

Nobody ever tells me anything.

When I was in grade school I went to a real barber for the first time. For some reason my mother finally retired her bowl and shears. I remember watching the barber in the mirror and thinking some haircut Merlin taught him scissors magic in a back room behind a red curtain. Of course, I was comparing him to my mother and her cow shears.

My dad thought mom’s haircuts were great. He didn’t have a lot of hair to compare it to, unlike me. Maybe that is the secret to a long and happy marriage – it only matters if your wife likes your haircut.

When my daughter, Katy, was very young I decided I could cut her hair just fine. I had watched my mother and thought I could do as well as her, even better, and my scissors were moderately sharp. After my clipper updo I thought Katy looked dandy, but I made the mistake of taking a picture of  her.

Katy saw it a couple of years ago when she was looking at some old pictures from her childhood. Now she is convinced I traumatized her for life.

To make it up to her I have offered to go to her apartment and give her a new scissors updo. I told her I would buy a new bowl and clippers and it would save her a little money.

I have even offered this service to the women in the office. I am surrounded by women here and I told them I would bring in my bowl and clippers for a free haircut day.

Nothing but abuse is what I got.

Apparently the Great Recession must be coming to an end.

Maybe if I buy different-size bowls and learn how to turn hair pink that will lure them.

I’ll talk to Scott Gray. He doesn’t have enough hair that it matters. I can practice on him.