A week or two ago, David Letterman would start each nightly monologue by asking his Late Show audience if they had any money. The crowd would always reply with a resounding “No!” Thereafter, he’d shrug and say he didn’t have any either. Then he’d wonder who does.

Well, Dave, it surely isn’t me. And my lack of funds isn’t due entirely to the recession. Indeed, I really haven’t had a significant amount of money since 1967.

But someone, somewhere, must have some money because the government’s stimulus package is dumping trillions of dollars into the economy every other week or so. It’s weird. I mean, a “bailout” of $2 trillion works out to roughly $6,000 dollars for every man, woman and child in the United States. Someone, somewhere, must have a few nickels, don’t you think? Or is our government simply dumping all that money down the preverbal rabbit hole?

So, last week I started combing the streets of Enumclaw to see if I could find anyone with any money.

My first stop was The Courier-Herald and head honcho Bill Marcum. I asked him if her had any money.

“What?” he examined me with a look of error and disbelief.

“Are you serious? Given the current state of the newspaper business, I’m lucky I have anything to publish!”

So, I walked a few doors down the street into the Rainier. Though I expected to find the place crowded with lunchtime customers, it was nearly empty. Kim complained that her tips hardly paid for the gas she used driving to work. “I might be losing money every week,” she said.

I asked Katie if she was making any money and she laughed at me. I hate it when that happens.

I stopped by city hall to pay my water bill. The clerk seemed quite excited. I was the first paying customer she’d seen all month.

Mary Richards of Enumclaw Accounting was happy to say many of her clients wouldn’t have to pay income tax this year. Of course, in most cases that’s because they didn’t have any income.

I was going to check with the antique stores, but then realized all of them were closed. I guess collectibles don’t sell especially well in a down economy. And speaking of closed stores, I counted six or seven empty storefronts within a few blocks of Cole and Griffin.

Well, I figured if any place would have a few bucks it would be a bank, so I paid a visit to the KeyBank. Sherri was sitting at her desk, bored and frightened. I asked her if there was any money in the place and she asked if I still had a CD with them. I said I didn’t, whereupon she put her head down on her desk and began mumbling curses. I wasn’t sure what to make out of that, so I left without pursuing the matter further.

I walked into the Lee lounge and loudly and blatantly asked if anyone in the room had money. No one did, until Toby Larson spent his last quarter on a pull-tab and hit it for a couple hundred bucks.

Well, anyway, to make a long story short, he was the only person I found who had any money.

How about you? If you’re as broke as everyone else, come on down to the Lee. Drinks are on Toby.