There’s a plot lurking in my pocket | Dennis Box

Many of us believe in all sorts of plots and conspiracies. Most may be goofy, but I have come across one directly aimed at me – evil little hairball Hal

Many of us believe in all sorts of plots and conspiracies. Most may be goofy, but I have come across one directly aimed at me – evil little hairball Hal.

It involves my cell phone that apparently has a mind of its own; a smarter brain than mine (not a stretch).

I was tipped off to the plot when my boneheaded phone made a call, for no apparent reason. This wasn’t the first time and I never know to whom or when it will strike.

I’ll be stumbling around and suddenly I hear a voice coming from my pocket. That’s a ball of fun.

About a week ago the beast in my pocket started calling a number I didn’t even know was in my contacts. I just bought this dumb device and it suddenly knows my history. I am certain it is reading my thoughts and making calls to squeal on me.

It’s like carrying an annoying third grader named Hal in my pocket. You know, the kid that sat in the front row always raising his hand first, with the right, stupid answer.

After recess, hairball Hal was always in a secret conference with my teacher giving her the rundown on the seven deadly sins I committed.

I am convinced it is Hal who is lurking in my pocket, still a third grader and still annoying.

At any moment this phone will suddenly pick someone to call, seemingly without logic or reason. But I think there is a pattern I detect, a hairball Hal pattern.

Hal must have grown into a twisted adult and now sits in a windowless room with pasty skin devising a phone to squeal on my seven rotten sins. I’m pretty sure he has invented a new set of seven sins. All the things that used to be OK when I was in third grade, but since the advent of new math, a bunch of new bad has been invented.

I suspect the only solution is to revert back to the one phone that always worked and never made a squealer call – two Dixie cups and a string.

Let hairball Hal try to work his evil ways with that phone.

More in Opinion

More information needed on proposed recycling site

We want to bring awareness to your readers about a 34 acre wood recycling center that is in the permitting process with King County.

North neighbors keep a close eye on the U.S.

How much do you know about Canada? If you’re like most Americans, not much.

Trickle-down equation may not add up, Dems say

A tax overhaul plan drawn up by Republicans in Congress will be a good deal for many households, though not every one, or nearly every one, as promised by its authors.

America’s monster

I’m not sure when it happened, but I recently realized I’ve stopped asking myself, “What are we going to do about mass shootings and gun violence in this country?” Instead, I now ask, “When is the carnage going to come to Enumclaw?”

Avoiding loss means more than gaining something else

Some studies have shown that losses are twice as psychologically powerful as gains. American history and our current political situation help reveal a great deal about the American/human psyche.

Congratulations, Jan Molinaro

In every election, one person must win and the other will lose. Now more than ever, it is important to show our children how to be gracious in victory and humble in defeat.

Don’t give into the pressure of driving drowsy

Eleven years ago, a drowsy-driving car wreck left me with injuries that still challenge me today.

Baxley and Young should have showed up at public forum

On Tuesday, October 17th, was the Black Diamond Maple Valley Chamber of Commerce Candidates Forum, where the Black Diamond candidates for Mayor and two City Council positions had the opportunity to talk with the citizens of Black Diamond, and to answer questions put to them by these citizens.

Issues to be addressed in Enumclaw elections

Who should I vote for in the Enumclaw City Council and mayoral races?

Enumclaw helped raise $3,500 for Special Olympics

The last couple of weekends the St. Barbara Knights of Columbus have been involved with our annual Tootsie Roll Program.

Court grapples with school funding

When the legal battle on education funding returned to the state Supreme Court Tuesday, the leader of Washington’s public school system was closely monitoring this installment of the McCleary drama from his office down the street.

Baxley is an important choice for Black Diamond mayor

Judy Baxley has been part of our local civics for years, and thank goodness because citizen involvement is critical to monitoring big developers.